I sometimes hear from wives who feel like they are listening to complaints or even scolding for something that is almost their right: continually talking about their husband’s indiscretions or past affairs. Wives often feel they have the right to continue to ask questions or to continue to bring up the issue when it crosses their minds. But often the husband who had the affair disagrees and quickly loses patience when the conversations continue to go back to her mistake.
I heard from a wife who said, “My husband is getting more and more frustrated because he says I talk about it too much. He says it’s time to put it behind me. It’s been six months since I found out about it and I still have a lot of questions.” and a lot of need for clarification. But my husband says he’s already given me all the information he has. He says he’s tired of me telling all my friends about the matter. Because he feels the matter now defines his life. He says no He wants to continue living his life as the husband he cheated on. He says I’m going to have to go ahead and stop talking about it so much because he can’t continue living like this. So now I’m just as frustrated as he is because I can’t imagine not talking about it. Maybe Once in a few years when we’re completely healed and all my questions have been answered, I might do that. But to me, it’s still so fresh and I still have so much to say. I’m sorry I don’t. I don’t like to talk about this. , but need I’m sorry to talk about it. And frankly, it’s his fault. If he had never had the affair in the first place, this wouldn’t even be a topic of conversation or an issue. Who is here?”
Believe it or not, even as a wife who has dealt with an affair, I can see both sides of this argument. Truth be told, there’s a real risk that your marriage will be defined by affair if you’re not careful. I understand that she feels like she needs all the details and needs to be able to say what she thinks when the thoughts come up. However, if this continues for too long, her spouse may begin to believe that no matter what she does or how hard she tries to do it right, there will never be a silver lining for him because she can never escape this mistake. And, it can be very difficult to truly heal and just enjoy each other once more when you never know when more conversations about issues will be around the corner.
You must (and can) find a balance that makes everyone happy: As someone who has been through this myself, I understand that the idea of being censored or not being able to ask questions or speak your mind seems completely unfair. And you would be well. No one is saying that you have to continually censor yourself. However, what I am suggesting is that you consciously try to limit it to one (or a few) set times that you both look forward to. That way, you’ll feel reassured knowing you’ll be heard, addressed, and responded to, while your spouse also knows they don’t have to tiptoe around you because the conversation about the affair could escape your lips at any moment. moment. Therefore, you feel a little relieved and you are sure that they will listen to you.
Understand that the conversation about the affair should stay between the two of you.: I must say that I have come to agree with people who insist that the details of the matter remain between the two spouses. I know it’s tempting to continually confide in your friends or family, but if you constantly engage in this, you are limiting the relationship your family will have with your spouse if you decide to reconcile in the future.
I can’t tell you how many people tell me they wish they had kept the matter to themselves. The reason for this is that often the people you confide in are simply unwilling or unable to leave it in the past. Often, you realize you’ve healed and want to move on, but your co-worker will continually bring you back into business in subtle yet obvious ways. Or you will start to get the feeling that your mom will never trust your husband again. I understand that it feels good for her to confide in someone, but when you do, you need to understand that you will probably change your relationship with your spouse. And this could also affect (and hurt) you in the long run.
So I know from observation and experience that any discussion of the matter should be left between the spouses or a counselor or a neutral third party. Bringing friends and family into the mix is almost always a bad idea that will prove detrimental later on. Not only that, but it cannot be undone. You can’t tell your friends or family to forget what you said once you’ve already said those words.
So what if you’ve said too much and regret it? Check what you can right now. Agree to find an acceptable middle ground with your spouse and limit the conversation to the two of you at a pleasant time and frequency. Do not misunderstand. You have the right to have your questions answered and your observations respected. But it also helps to limit the conversation to something that is tolerable for both of you.