Of all the issues that come up after one of the spouses has been unfaithful or has had an affair, one of the most problematic is sex. After all, it’s the sex with someone else that caused the affair in the first place. And there may have been sexual problems in your marriage before the infidelity. So it goes without saying that this is a potentially troublesome and touchy subject that both people may be hesitant to talk about or address.
The point is that sex after an affair can help bring the married couple together or it can be something else that drives them further apart. And unfortunately, there are so many misunderstandings and wrong assumptions that surround it. I will discuss more about this matter in the next article.
Try not to make false assumptions about how your spouse feels about sex right now: Here is one of the biggest problems I see. The spouse who was cheated on is full of self-doubt and questions about his self-esteem. They will worry that their spouse cheated on them because they were dissatisfied with marital sex or because they no longer found their spouse sexy or desirable. So the cheated spouse can feel ugly, insecure, and awkward even when none of these things are true.
These assumptions can put a big damper on what happens in your bedroom as you try to save your marriage and heal. Because all these doubts and insecurities haunt you and bring discomfort and more problems to an already difficult situation.
Similarly, the spouse who cheated can feel like a big creep if they even think about initiating sex. And they are well aware that once either party thinks about sex, the sexual content of the affair suddenly comes into question. There is no way for either spouse to think or wonder about sex with the other person. It just can’t be helped.
And even if the cheating spouse is 100% sincere in their love and commitment to their spouse and to saving their marriage, they will also usually be careful not to make any advances or initiate physical contact because their spouse may well be repulsed by the idea. of even a hug or touch right now, much less sex.
But, of course, the faithful spouse will interpret this to mean that he or she is simply not interested because they don’t find it desirable or exciting. So what he has is all these wrong assumptions and insecurities that come into play and often make the situation worse.
That’s why it’s so important to do your best to be open and honest, even if it makes you feel very vulnerable. It’s really the only way to measure what’s really going on. Because the truth is, you may be wrong about what your spouse is thinking and feeling. And being wrong could make the situation worse or downright unbearable.
It’s important not to put too much pressure on your sex life after the affair: I often advise couples to wait until they are absolutely sure they are ready and want to have sex again. It is far better to wait and have no doubt that this is the right time than to rush in and just go through the motions or be numb, or worse, have a bad experience.
Sometimes when the sex isn’t as good or great after the affair, both people assume that the marriage can’t be saved, that there’s too much damage, or that the spark is gone. And sometimes, this is the first step to giving up on your marriage. This is so unfortunate and embarrassing because it’s usually not that the spark or chemistry is gone, it’s that the couple moved on too soon or rushed things a bit before some outstanding issues were resolved.
How to regain your sexual confidence: Probably one of the most common concerns I hear from spouses who have been cheated on is that they don’t feel desirable or sexy. They fear that the moment they undress or begin sexual contact, they will see hesitation, pity, or revulsion in their spouse’s eyes. And unfortunately, this fear often prevents them from reaching their full potential or comfort level as individuals or as part of a couple.
If you’re dealing with this and are scared to have sex again after the affair, there’s nothing wrong with focusing on rebuilding your confidence. You have been dealt a severe blow. What you are feeling is completely natural. Give yourself permission to do anything that makes you feel better about yourself. You can’t worry about how your spouse feels. You have to focus on how you feel.
But there is something here that almost everyone underestimates. From the people who write to me or comment on my blog, it is my opinion that both men and women tend to agree on what is sexy or exciting. And one thing that both men and women find sexy is confidence. Countless people have told me it’s not how you look, or what you do. It really is your enthusiasm and your ability to engage and give and take with confidence and adventure. If you don’t have this as a result of the adventure, then you may still have work to do or you may be falling short.
And if you’ve never had this kind of confidence or enthusiasm, there really is no better time than the present. You deserve to be happy. And sometimes an adventure is an opportunity to make some areas of your life better than they were before.