Selfishness has a negative connotation in our culture; but it is not selfishness, it is a lack of empathy that hurts others. While I am not an acolyte of Ayn Rand, I do agree with her argument in “The Virtue of Selfishness.” Taking care of yourself is not only reasonable; it is necessary – necessary for survival. But our culture has judged caring for oneself, as if caring for oneself excludes caring for or doing anything for others. Why would that be the case? That kind of assumption usually falls into the category of faulty, black-and-white thinking.
The reply to this is that the real dictionary definition of selfishness is “taking care of oneself to the exclusion of others.” But that, again, is false and leads to dualistic reasoning. Why do these two actions – Rand refers to them as a “global package” – come together as if one led to the other or one was the consequence of the other? It is probably more accurate to say that one cannot take care of others unless he first takes care of himself. Furthermore, the definition stems from historical religious beliefs that a moral life is a life led in sacrifice to others and to God – Altruism vs. Selfishness. I see these two “isms” as separate subjective concepts between which we do not have to choose.
Why do I feel this distinction is so important? Because I am constantly reminded of how abusers use “selfishness” to further victimize their victims, especially narcissistic abusers. If the traditional definition of selfishness were relevant to anyone, it would be narcissists. Narcissists not only focus on themselves to the exclusion of everyone else, but more importantly, they can’t feel anything for others. They lack empathy. And it is lack of empathy that allows people to hurt others, not selfishness.
However, the narcissist complains that others are selfish because they do not focus on him/her or treat him/her properly. The narcissist needs to be constantly emotionally fed. His sense of self is so weakened and at the same time so fragile that endlessly attending to his egos is almost the equivalent of oxygen. For narcissists, their children, wives, husbands, and even friends are simply an extension of themselves. And children in particular, because they have no power of their own, pay a terrible price if they fail to reflect what the Narcissist needs.
Working as extensively with adult survivors of child abuse as I do, I understand that these people have been brainwashed into believing that they are mean when they try to take care of themselves. To be the recipient of long-term abuse, the abuser must convince his subjects that up is down and black is white. Defending oneself, recognizing that what is happening is wrong, telling others is something that must be prevented at all costs. So these young people are brainwashed, and in a perverse way, the brainwashing helps them keep their sanity, for the time being. Because if a child really understood the danger he is in and the madness of the world and the people around him, his little heart would burst. Children need a safe environment to thrive. If they don’t have that automatically, they have to mentally create an environment that at least doesn’t kill them emotionally. The mind protects itself, the best it can.
Do I think all abusers are narcissists? No. But I do think that narcissistic traits are very often present, mainly low self-esteem and lack of empathy towards others. If an abuser had the ability to truly put himself in another’s shoes, especially her own child’s, she could not continue behaving the way she does without taking responsibility for her actions. Taking responsibility is what the abuser cannot do; falsely assuming responsibility is what keeps the victim depressed.
Psychotherapy is about taking responsibility for your own part in every situation and being prepared to change yourself. The work I do with survivors of abuse is to help them understand their lack of responsibility for what happened to them. Because it is their own shame, no longer the abuser’s, that holds them captive as adults. And it is selfishness that will help them navigate a more fulfilling future.