Direct Answers – Column for the week of June 24, 2002
I suppose there are worse problems than having two men who want to share their lives with me. However, it is a genuine problem. I need advice to fix all this.
My ex-husband and I wanted a baby and soon we had one. The problems in our marriage stemmed from two teenage daughters from his first marriage. His mother jumped ship after 10 years to “find herself,” leaving him to raise the girls.
Suffice it to say that the girls were extremely harsh on me, and her family did not accept that three years after her divorce, she was moving on. We sought advice, but it did not solve anything. I got tired of trying to raise two girls who hated me and dealing with their hostile family.
That was four years ago. For the next two years he was so bitter that I left him not speaking to me, and all communication was through third parties. Life has been difficult for me raising a child on my own. I had to sell the house I bought for the two of us and I still have financial problems.
After two years, I met a man with a son the same age as mine, and the boys quickly became brothers. His father and I also developed a close and intimate relationship, and he is financially successful. We have been together for almost two years and we bought a house with the intention of getting married soon.
My current relationship never had the spark of sexual and emotional intensity that my ex-husband and I share. Still, we were happy until I spoke to my ex-husband for the first time in almost two years.
Therein lies the catch. My ex-husband says that now that his youngest daughter has moved out, he is free to live life however he wants. He gives me flowers, writes me love notes, and says that he wants to spend the rest of his years raising our son together.
I never stopped loving him, I just left the marriage alone and very hurt. He says that he too spent a lot of time trying to heal and now he is ready to try to put it back together again. We are not having sex. I know better. But my ex-husband gives me the attention I want in my current relationship and I don’t get it.
It seems strange to me that if a man really wanted to share his life with his son and the mother of his son, he could tolerate their living with another man. I also find it unusual that my boyfriend, as a grown man, is willing to tolerate any man’s advances towards the woman he hopes to marry.
My third option would be to politely tell each man that neither of them was the perfect match for me. Unfortunately, I am in no position to be without a helping partner. I no longer expect a perfect relationship. I realize it just doesn’t exist, at least not in my world.
Jenna
Jenna, your dilemma is like the car comparisons in Consumer Reports. Each vehicle offers different features and what matters most is personal preference. Do you value safety, style or fuel economy more?
Your ex-husband didn’t defend you from his family, and people who remarry often rediscover the good reason they got divorced in the first place. Your boyfriend is a good person without passion, but there is company for your son.
In the old song “Torn Between Two Lovers,” a woman can’t decide between two men, which means neither feels right. There is another song from the Hebrides, which contains the line “You are the music of my heart”. That’s what it feels like when the connection is true.
What you decide will be driven largely by financial need, so the question you ask is not one we can answer. What do you value more, safety, style or fuel economy?
Wayne and Tamara