Are you feeling stuck and frustrated because your husband doesn’t talk about his affair? Do you find it difficult to trust him when he refuses to open up? You are not alone: when I discovered my husband’s adventure, a part of me wanted to know all the details, another part of me was terrified to know. If you feel the same, I hope the following 3 rules help you save your sanity and your marriage …
Rule No. # 1: think it over. Do you really want to know? Whats Next?
Have you considered that one of the reasons your husband refuses to share details with you is because he is afraid of hurting you even more?
Before pressuring your husband to bring it up, I suggest that you spend some time alone in silence, write your questions on paper, and think about it for a full three days. Ask yourself: Do I really want to know the honest answers to all of these questions?
A useful ‘Think It Over’ exercise is to ask yourself “what’s next?” Imagine that your husband has answered your questions … what happens next? And then what comes next? Is that the result you really want?
This brings me to Rule # 2 …
Rule # 2: Don’t ask him to compare it to your adventure
Asking your husband to play the comparison game puts him in a dead end. If he says she was “better”, you feel hurt, jealous and lousy with yourself; If he says that you are “better”, it confuses you even more as to why he would choose to cheat in the first place, since “you are better”. Forcing you to compare will not work to heal your marriage. Do not do it.
Rule No. # 3: Avoid Negative Emotional Outbursts – Kill Intimacy
This is a real privacy killer. When you or your husband explode and show strong negative emotions like outbursts of anger (yelling, yelling, etc.), you are actually killing your relationship by repelling your partner. This is because we are all designed to move away from pain (and move towards pleasure). If your husband doesn’t talk about your affair, don’t imagine that you might hurt him to open up. Cheaters have feelings too. And for your marriage to have a chance, you must work together as a team, not become enemies.
Did you know It’s a common misconception that every sordid detail of the adventure needs to be resolved before it can heal. That is simply not true. True healing is the result of the energy that a couple puts into healing the relationship. This conversation may be important to you, or you may not need it.