Sometimes I hear from wives who are confused about their husband’s behavior after he asked for a separation. Husbands are sometimes distant and petty. But other times, the husband’s behavior toward the wife has improved to the point where the wife describes her behavior as nice or even pleasant.
I heard from a wife who said, “My husband told me three weeks ago that he was going to start looking for another place to live for a while because he wants to separate. I don’t want to be separated and I have made my thoughts on this very clear. But My husband says he’s going to go ahead and move out anyway. One thing that really has me confused is that my husband is being so nice to me right now. He hasn’t said kind words or taken thoughtful actions to me in years. AND “However, as soon as he announces that he wants to break up, he’s suddenly compassionate, funny, and thoughtful. Why would he be acting this way? And if he can be so kind when things aren’t going well, it’s going well. So, what’s wrong?” Why do we have to part? I will try to answer these questions in the following article.
There are several reasons why a husband might be kind to his wife as they prepare to part ways: Usually, there is no one-size-fits-all answer here. There are many possible reasons for their behavior. Think for a second about how confused and scared you are. Well, your husband may also have mixed feelings. Many people assume that since he is the one who initiated the breakup, this must mean that he is very confident that he made the right decision. This is not always true. Sometimes he is as insecure as you are, but he feels that he needs to try it to see if he offers any relief. Below I will offer some possibilities as to why he might be acting this way.
He may want to set a positive tone: Often when wives ask me why their husband is so nice, I ask why he wouldn’t want to be nice and start things off on a positive note. Her response is often that being nice is, at least lately, out of character for him. Consider that he may want things to get off to a positive start. After all, breaking up is hard enough without having a negative attitude. You may be determined to start things off positively and on the right foot. And he often knows that you’ll have a better chance of saving the marriage (or at least making things better) if the two of you get along. And it’s common sense that the chances of them getting along are higher if both people are nice to each other.
He may be trying to lower your resistance: Another is that since this husband knew that the wife had serious reservations about the separation, he may have thought that being nice might lessen her resistance. This is the thought process many husbands will go through when they know they are going to move on and want your cooperation. So by being nice, he hopes you’ll at least lessen the resistance if you don’t join in. He hopes that his cooperation will make the process easier for both of them.
You feel a sense of relief that you can finally get some answers: Sometimes you will see your husband in a good mood or being nice because he is relieved that he is finally moving on. It is very rare that this separation announcement is the result of a sudden decision. Husbands have often been thinking about this for quite some time. They have usually gone back and forth in their minds about how to proceed. And this hesitation and slowness can be frustrating and discouraging for them. So when they finally make a firm decision and finally put a plan in motion, there can be a huge relief from the stress that has been building up.
This can be especially true when they suspect that this plan will give them an answer about what they want to see happen with their marriage. See, men often pursue a breakup when they’re confused about what they want in terms of the future of their marriage. So when they find themselves in a situation where they are really moving towards a resolution, then this can feel better to them than living in a state of confusion or feeling like they are constantly stuck.
How should you react when he is acting so well?: Many wives are sorely tempted to tell their husband that acting so well is infuriating because you suspect it’s all an act anyway. And you have a right to these feelings. But if you are thinking about this very strategically, then you may come to the conclusion that doing this may not be in your best interest if you are trying to save your marriage.
Because to make things better, you should cooperate with your husband instead of arguing with him. So my advice is to fight fire with fire. You can be as nice as him. And this should help establish a positive relationship during the separation (which you will need if you want to save your marriage during the separation).