In fact, I hear this question quite often. Although most people would probably assume that the fact that a husband conceives a baby with another person means the end of the marriage, this is not always the case. Sometimes the wife has children of her own with this man and she doesn’t want her children to lose her father on the spot due to a bad decision. Other times, the husband is apologizing and thinking that the two of them can make it work if they just get help. Finally, even some women have told me that they feel compassion and some responsibility for the innocent child involved who now needs everyone to act in a healthy and responsible way.
Still, this is a very difficult situation. Getting over an affair and saving your marriage is hard enough. But having a constant reminder and reason for the partner to have to interact with the other woman on a regular basis makes things even more difficult. I have seen some cases where couples have been able to save their relationship and stay married in this situation. Many of them have similar characteristics and take similar actions. I will discuss more about this matter in the next article.
It is often necessary to put the child first when a baby is the result of an affair: This seems to be a fairly simple concept. The innocent child cannot control how it was conceived. It’s not fair for him to feel the resentment and negative feelings that surround this topic. However, it is easy to say all this but it is very difficult to put it into practice. The baby can be a constant reminder of what happened and the wife will often feel very guilty about feelings of resentment that she can’t seem to shake.
However, I have seen couples who have been able to get help dealing with this and have been able to turn the situation into a somewhat positive outcome. I have even seen couples end up raising the child as their own. However, most people need outside help to be able to do this continuously in a healthy way.
I’ve also seen couples struggle a lot with this issue as they try to come up with a scenario that works best and is bearable for everyone. The wife will often want to do the right thing, but there is a lot of resentment because she usually suspects the other woman got pregnant on purpose or is using the baby to stay in the image. There is also often some resentment about the financial responsibilities that the family will now have to face. And the wife will often very much resent the husband’s part in this and how her decisions have put them in this situation.
Saving the marriage after conceiving a baby during the affair almost always involves including the wife in the healthiest way possible: It’s not uncommon for wives to tell me that they very much want to keep their husband’s baby with the other woman away from their family. I often hear things like, “I know this is her child and he needs to be responsible for it. But he’s going to have to do it alone. This baby isn’t mine and I don’t want this to affect my family.” He can do what he has to do, but he will have to keep that separate from us.” This is understandable. It is often very painful for the wife to have to interact with the child and the other woman.
However, I must tell you that I very rarely see this working successfully. Usually, the wife will have serious trust issues whenever the husband goes to spend time with the child. She will wonder what is going on between the husband and the other woman whenever she is not there to see what is going on. Usually, the husband will also struggle with conflicting feelings of guilt. It is natural for him to want to love the child and be a part of his life. But, he will often struggle very much with the guilt this invokes and too often finds himself caught in the middle between wanting to do the right thing for his child and wanting to spare his wife and family the pain that goes along with it. this.
This is why it is often necessary to involve the wife in a way that everyone can live with. Yes, the mistress or another woman may not like this. But, she will also have to make concessions. She is in this situation because of the actions she intends to take. The situation is not going to be perfect for any of the people involved. But, for this to work in a healthy way, everyone will have to work hard to make it work.
The couple will often need to be very clear about each other’s roles. It also helps to make it very clear to the other woman that the husband’s relationship with her is limited to the needs of the child and that the couple will remain married and committed to each other. It is important for her to understand that although her husband (and her family) will be there for the child, this commitment to the new child will not affect her commitment to his wife and her family. Often, once the other woman fully understands and accepts this, she will begin to realize that it is a waste of time trying to take advantage of the situation and now she should be worrying about the well-being of her own child.
In short, the marriage can sometimes be saved when the husband’s affair produces a child with the other woman. But often there are also many issues to be resolved, and each will have to make a very conscious effort to put the child and her needs first and try to interact in the healthiest way possible.