Valentine’s week focuses on multiple ways to show others that you care about them or are in love with them. Hearts, flowers, sweets and trinkets are given as symbols of devotion but not everything is done with the right motives or with a healthy commitment.
We all think we know what love is, but then we act in ways that don’t match our words. Here are some of the things to consider:
Love is not:
- Give someone everything they want because by doing so you think they will change forever. Clients have often told me that they felt giving wayward teens money would encourage them to come home. Nope! People usually do what they want and cannot be bribed or forced to do what others want.
- Ignore the problems and cross your fingers that they resolve themselves. Not talking means not dealing with things, and past behaviors are often a predictor of future behaviors. Wishing and hoping is not the same as solving.
- Accept abusive behavior. We teach people how to treat us. If you’ve been abused and accept a hasty and insincere apology, you’re likely to get caught up in a cycle of abuse followed by apologies and then abuse.
- Time served. Just because you’ve been in a relationship with someone for a period of time doesn’t mean you’re healthy, safe, or protected.
- Keep secrets. The underlying foundation of the problems is built on dishonesty and hidden actions. If you need to keep something a secret, that means deep down you already know you’re up to “no good.”
- Blaming others instead of facing their own faults. Most people don’t want to look in a mirror that shows their own shortcomings. Instead, they point fingers and distract the conversation by focusing on someone else.
- Request information on private matters. When adult children want details about their elderly parents’ will, they may present them as legitimate and inappropriate. A “mine is mine and yours is mine” attitude can destroy relationships!
- Revenge for past injuries or failures. Hurting others is not a good response for those who have been hurt. Focus on healing instead of trying to get even.
- Qualification. There is a program on television that shows individuals who weigh more than 600 pounds. Those who buy food for the immobile or bedridden end up having to care for the obese. When you enable someone, you both pay a price for this.
- Play games with emotions. Sweet words, false promises, and cheating can be very hurtful. For!
When it comes to being a Valentine, it’s important to not just think about the other person. Instead, examine when and how you show your love. Are your words and actions healthy, or are you in an acting role that considers only your own selfish needs and desires?