I heard something powerful recently from the author, Eckhart Tolle, who said something like, “Not everyone is going to like you, nor do you need to.” I don’t remember exactly how he phrased it, but I had a lightbulb moment with that. I had heard that first part before, but never really entertained the idea of the second part, that no one needed to like it. It’s okay to just relax and be myself without anyone else’s approval.
I have been a very people pleaser for most of my adult life. I would transform what I said and how I acted depending on who I was with and generally agreed with people, so they would like me.
It wasn’t long ago that I realized how much I was doing this and how exhausting it was. I was putting so much pressure on myself to be super nice and have people like me that I started to realize how fake I was.
I wanted other people’s approval so badly, and yet many times this inauthenticity would end up driving them away anyway. I’d rather be alone than with others because then I wouldn’t have to worry about putting on this big, tiring show for people and liking it.
Your situation may be to a greater or lesser degree than mine, but I feel that people-pleasing is very widespread among people.
What has really gotten me through this is being aware of this tendency to people please in the first place. By illuminating anything with the light of awareness, the healing process begins.
I began to watch myself in action and realized how uptight I get with others, with the exception of a select few who are closest to me.
Then I started practicing being really present when I was with another person, and I practiced giving them my full attention instead of concentrating on what I was going to say next or how uncomfortable I was feeling.
This gave them the space to just be and I was able to relax in the moment with them. If I found that my mind was beginning to drift away from the present, I would simply bring it back. Mindful breathing also helps, just by staying focused in the moment.
Letting go of nice people means accepting yourself. We don’t think that what we naturally are is good enough, so we put on a show. When there is a desire to have the approval of others, it is because we are not accepting ourselves. When you feel within yourself pure love for yourself and others, you realize that everyone is perfect just the way they are.
I also came to the conclusion that I would just practice being where I am with people without pretending that I am so perfect. If they liked it great, and if not, that’s fine too. What I was doing before certainly didn’t do me much good, so why not just practice being where I am with people and see what that does for me? So far no one has run away screaming and in fact my relationships are much more authentic.
It has helped me feel more relaxed when I am with other people to just practice being. It really is about being in the acceptance of oneself: everything, even the last apparent flaw. When I accept those things, it’s funny how what doesn’t serve me just naturally fades away and my inner beauty can shine through.