Being “vulnerable” means opening your heart, soul, emotions, and mind. It means admitting that you are wrong, that you need help, and then asking for help, guidance, and support. It means putting yourself out there, on the line.
I remember during my divorce my fear that my ex would try to take my daughter from me, try to get more than his “fair” share of money, and then refuse to let me see my daughter after the divorce.
This fear consumed me and became my main focus. No wonder things were getting worse!
It was then that I worked a bit to get clarity that what I really wanted for my three-year-old daughter was to be the best father, the best father I could be to her no matter what was going on so that I could create an environment in which she he was thriving, even if his mother refused to work together to be parents!
I stepped up and told my ex that I was going to do everything I could to stay calm and be the best father I could be no matter what because our daughter was too important to me to allow me to continue reacting to him. go to.
It was then that the underlying dynamic between me and my ex began to change for the better.
This is also when we both begin to set a better example for our daughter and teach her through our examples.
No, we did not always agree. Yes, we were almost always able to figure things out.
I had to learn to be patient and not take things personally.
Today I saw a wonderful quote … “Patience is not waiting, patience is how you act while you wait.”
Realizing when the ex reacts with anger, disdain, disrespect, etc., that this is the result of their own past experiences and conditioning, and that it has absolutely nothing to do with you, it changes your life. You have simply served as a trigger in the moment.
These accomplishments led to lessons that changed everything for me, and especially for my now 23-year-old daughter, who is now thriving in the real world.
Most people fear that when they open up, someone will hurt them. In divorce, that someone would be the ex.
Men tend to think that they can figure things out on their own. And men usually don’t want to ask for help.
Why? I think this is because we don’t want to admit that we are weak and that we are afraid of being open and vulnerable. Men tend to think that vulnerability is a sign of weakness.
The reality is that being vulnerable requires calm, true strength of character, and courage.
When you can begin to let go of the selfish part of you that prevents you from sharing in an open and vulnerable way, the positive impact for you and your children can be huge and absolutely transformative.
One of the best gifts you can give your children is to STOP planting seeds of emotional trauma through their reactive behavior.
How are things going in your divorce situation?
Are they how you really want them to be? Or, like me when I was going through my divorce, are you consumed with frustration, anger, resentment, and anxiety?
Are your fears prompting you to react to your ex almost every time the two of you try to speak, and is this leading him to react in turn angrily towards you?
As a parent, it’s time to step up and commit to greater awareness and begin to take personal responsibility for your choices, actions, and reactions, and the consequences of each of the following.
When someone is being vulnerable, it makes it much easier to relate to him, it is easier to listen to him and to trust him.
However, it is not just the divorced parents. Moms think that if they are too open and vulnerable, their ex will take full advantage of them and try to hurt them even more.
And yes, this can happen. But when it does, the main thing that happens is that the children are left in the middle of the emotional and psychological dynamics, the triad if you will.
It is a triad because there is the mother, the father and the children.
Children are the innocent victims of divorce because they have no voice in what happens around them, and what happens impacts them with every reactionary reaction.
I think when divorce becomes downright ugly due to constantly reactive behavior, accusations, and threats, these individual parents are actually being completely self-centered. They put themselves first because they believe they have been wronged, so they react, often with poisonous anger, even spite.
When this happens, the people most affected are the children of the divorce.
Be clear about what you really want for your kids, and take the time to clearly clarify what YOU will need to create it … even if the ex refuses to work with you to be a co-parent.
It may take two to tango, but it only takes one parent to make a positive difference.
I know that you agree that your children are worth it so that you are the greatest person, that you be clear, brave and strong, that you be open and vulnerable by sharing what you really want with your ex and asking him what he really wants . for your children.
Our children are the reason why he is so much bigger than us. They need us to step up and STOP reactionary behavior. They need you to be the best parent you can be and they deserve it.
This is why vulnerability is so important. Close your eyes and breathe slowly and deeply. Hold it while you ponder what you want for your children …
Now breathe out through your mouth and smile as you think about your children and how much they mean to you.
For me, my 3-year-old daughter meant everything to me, and I knew in that moment of deep self-reflection that she needed me to step up, let myself go, and commit myself to being the best parent, the best parent I ever have. could. to be for her, the way she needed me to be.
By being vulnerable, he was being more relatable. This helped me realize that I first needed to forgive myself for the role I had played prior to our divorce.
And then, that he needed to forgive the ex for the role she had played. Yes, each of us had been reacting and had played important roles that led to our inevitable divorce.
These lessons have changed who I am, they have changed my life. They certainly helped change everything for my daughter.
What is your self-realization and what is the resulting commitment that will lead to creating an environment of divorce in which your children thrive?