The other day, as I watched precious minutes of my life sprout wings and fly while on hold with Big Company Customer Service, I began to wonder what would happen if our emergency service providers implemented an automated system for answering phone calls. Here’s a possible scenario…
Thank you for calling 911, your one stop shop for emergency services. If you are having a life-threatening medical emergency, press 1. If your emergency is not currently life-threatening, but could become so in the next 15-20 seconds, press 2. For all other emergencies, such as a rash volcanic, flood or erectile dysfunction, press 3.
Beep
You have selected a life-threatening medical emergency. Please select from the following options: If your emergency involves severe blood loss, press 1. If you experience projectile vomiting, uncontrollable seizures, or a large discharge of pus, press 2. If you clutch your chest while staggering around the room as Fred Sanford and yelling, “This is the big one! ‘Lizabeth, I’m going to join you, honey!” press 3. For all other emergencies, press 4.
Beep
You have selected severe blood loss. If this was caused by your own stupidity, like trying to sharpen the blade on your running lawnmower, press 1. If it’s the result of a domestic dispute, like telling your wife, “Honey, that new dress makes you the butt looks a little big,” press 2. If caused by a bite from a rabid carnivorous mammal, such as a pit bull, raccoon, or Sean Hannity, press 3. For all other causes, press 4.
Beep
You have selected, “your own stupidity”. Due to his pea-sized brain, we can only assume that he is unfamiliar with even the most rudimentary first aid methods and that he is losing blood at an alarming rate. If you are still conscious, press 1. If you have moved to La-La Land, please stay on the line and one of our customer service representatives will assist you shortly.
Beep Beep Biiiiiiiip!!
You have emphatically selected option 1. Stay on the line and one of our customer service representatives will assist you shortly. In the meantime, enjoy the Muzak version of Bryan Adams’ “Cuts Like a Knife.”
Thank you for your patience during the last 22 minutes. Due to our high volume of calls, all of our non-customer service representatives are currently not assisting other customers. Your call is very important to us. While you wait, we suggest that you apply direct pressure to the injured area and, if necessary, use your belt as a tourniquet…
Thank you for waiting 34 more minutes. For now, we can only assume that he is in a severely weakened state and that his time is running out. If he is Catholic and would like to receive the Sacrament of the Sick, also known as “Last Rites”, press 1 and Father Dudley, our recently spoken intern priest, will assist you shortly. For all other denominations, press 2 for the daily “Dial-a-Prayer” recording. If you are not a member of any organized religion, press 3 and the Prince of Darkness will be with you to take the reservation from him.
Be…
You have selected option 1, for Last Rites. Unfortunately, Father Dudley is currently meeting with his parole officer and is unavailable. Please stay on the line and you will be transferred to your voice mail. If you would like to speak with a Customer Care-Less representative, please–
CLICK!
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