Sometimes I get emails from wives who read my articles on infidelity. Yesterday, I got one that said, “I know I’ll never forget cheating on her. But I want to forgive. I’m having a lot of trouble with this though. I can’t seem to let it go.” or get over the anger and images that are in my head.” I fully understand this from personal experience and assured her that these feelings were absolutely normal. However, there comes a time when you will have to move on and forgive (if you want to). In the following article, I will offer tips and advice for those who want to forgive but have a hard time doing so.
If you’re having trouble forgiving your spouse’s cheating, check to make sure you’re getting what you need: Often when wives (and sometimes husbands) tell me they can’t go on, I’ll try to make sure he or she gets everything they need to heal. Sometimes they get stuck because the cheating spouse is still holding back or not going through with her part of the bargain.
Is your spouse repentant? Have you ended all contact with the other person? Do they freely participate in the work necessary to fix what has been broken? Do they take responsibility for their actions? Do they tell you their whereabouts? Do they offer reassurance and patience? If you are not satisfied with the answers to these questions, by all means speak up and get what you need.
Although we like to believe they can, often our spouses don’t know what we need unless we tell them. If you need more affection or reassurance, communicate it. If you want some time to work things out without them coming over, that’s fine too. It is very important that you are honest with yourself and then with them about what it will take to get through this. Only you know that answer and there are no wrong answers. But often you won’t get what you need unless you ask for it.
Forgiveness is more for you than for them: Another problem that I often see people struggle with is that they fear forgiveness is giving their spouse a free pass. People will often say things like “well, what does that say about me if I let him go free after he set me up? It says I have no backbone and no self-respect.” This would be true if you did not ask for and get what you needed. But, if you’ve done the necessary hard work and your spouse has proven to be remorseful, committed, and trustworthy, that’s a different story.
No one goes through a marriage without making mistakes. We’ve all done them. Yes, an affair is one of the most serious and serious. But no one is perfect. I am in no way advocating cheating, but there is not a spouse on earth who does not occasionally cause their spouse pain or hardship. Don’t confuse forgiveness with setting them free. It really isn’t. It’s just your way of releasing the negative feelings that are holding you hostage. You are letting go so you can move on.
You can still make it very clear that you will by no means forget and by no means stop watching out for suspicious behavior and protect yourself if necessary. However, it’s also okay to make it clear that you no longer want to live tied to the negative emotions that are eating you alive. An existence based on fear, suspicion and doubt is not a real existence at all. For me, forgiveness was necessary to feel like I could breathe again.
Separation of the person from the act: One important thing that is necessary to forgive a cheating spouse is the ability to separate the spouse from their cheating. What I mean by that is that you have to get to a place where you can also remember the good things you’ve done (and together) without just focusing on the cheating. This alone takes time, but most people can eventually make it to this place.
Sometimes it helps to make a list of all the kind, loving, and memorable things your spouse has done. When I did this exercise, I got so emotional because there was no denying that the list describing the good things my husband had done over the years (loving father, supportive best friend, protector of our family) far outweighed (and was a much longer list) than the few undesirable actions, including cheating.
When you are making this list, you will often remember things that you had forgotten. This was my case. I suddenly remembered how my husband never left my son’s side when he was first diagnosed with epilepsy and he was in the hospital. I remembered the man who took me to graduate school even when it meant working two jobs. I remembered the son-in-law who single-handedly cared for my sick mother when I couldn’t. I remembered the kitchen table that he made for me with his own hands. There were so many things that the pain and pain of the adventure had made me forget.
Know that it is really a conscious decision: At the end of the day, forgiveness is really just a determined decision. Basically, you wake up one day and decide you’re ready to move on. It’s about deciding that you’re not going to break up a family or throw away years of memories, hard work, love and commitment because of one mistake.