No one escapes the emotional and physical pain of a great loss; it is an inherent part of life itself. However, most of those mourning the death of a loved one engage in a variety of activities that add to the pain and suffering. Why? Because so much of what you learn about death and grief from the culture you live in is rubbish.
If you want to exponentially increase the pain of your great loss, here are seven tips to help you on your quest.
1. Be determined to be strong and “go it alone.” You’re tough. You don’t need a shoulder to lean on. Nor do you need anyone to make decisions to adjust to your life without the deceased. Rough individualism must reign. Forget about the fact that you have every right to seek help from friends, loved ones, and even professionals. Withdraw from those you trust and never seek advice from those who have dealt with similar losses.
2. Try to put it out of your mind. People who are in mourning are constantly told to keep busy. The way friends and sometimes counselors encourage them to do this is interpreted by the mourner as doing their best to keep the thought of the loved one and the circumstances of the death out of their thoughts. This is an impossible task. Confronting the pain by talking and yelling at it periodically, for as long as it takes (weeks, months, or years), should be avoided at all costs. You cannot afford to accept the reality of the loss.
3. Reflect on what you should have done in hindsight. Guilt is one of the most common emotions that accumulates untold amounts of pain in a mourner. Keep thinking “if only I had” and “should have” as much as possible and your grievance will drag on and you’ll continue to live in the past. Of course you don’t want to go ahead and go through this dark night of the soul. Let the neurotic guilt continue to spread and contaminate your thoughts.
4. Choose not to smile or laugh because you’re always supposed to be sad. Always listen to those negative thoughts. If you have a moment of relief from your grievance and feel some relief from the pain, continue to believe that you are degrading your loved one’s memory. You know that he/she would want you to be sad every minute of the day for at least a year. Be sure to turn down all offers to go out to eat or join a social gathering because it breaks the taboo that I must always be sad. Last but not least, at the end of the day, never focus on the little comforts and joys that unexpectedly came into your life on that particular day. Dismiss them as totally irrelevant.
5. Keep your anger alive and glowing by thinking about it, telling anyone who will listen why you’re angry, and making a firm commitment that you will never forgive. Yes, you know that your anger greatly affects your energy. However, while giving away the source of anger is the greatest freedom you can give yourself, holding on to that inner anger will ensure that you constantly feel tired and irritable. Guaranteed.
6. Never join a grievance support group as they are only for weak people and there is too much good information you would learn from the facilitator. Remember, you don’t want to be around other people who are grieving and you don’t want to find a grieving partner. This would help you break the cycle of loneliness and give you the chance to talk to others who understand what you’re going through. God forbid you find new friends you can call on the phone when the nights get so hard to deal with. And you certainly don’t want to laugh a lot, which surprisingly often happens at these gatherings.
7. Try your best not to express emotion, especially crying, as those around you will think you have no inner strength and are taking the easy way out. Although each person has an inherent need to respond to the feelings generated by the death of a loved one, you will show him how much you can bury within yourself the feelings of guilt, confusion, and anger. It doesn’t matter if you get depressed by this action because you can also deal with this scourge by isolating yourself in your house or apartment.
You will have to work hard to perfect these seven skills. You can become and feel more miserable than any other mourner you have ever known, if you remain committed to isolating yourself from the world and everyone who loves you.