Raising girls who feel valued in a society that portrays the feminine in less than desirable terms can be a real challenge. These tips are great reminders and relationship builders for mother-daughter couples, though with a little healthy forethought they can be used successfully by parents as well:
1. Keep communication open and flowing
Communication is such an important piece in building any relationship and is critical to the parent-child relationship. Despite this, when my daughter was in that pre-teen stage, she started to pull away and act like someone I didn’t like. She really believed that she was the problem and a part of me even bought into the idea that this stage was inevitable. As we got further apart, I realized that she was giving in to a societal belief about tween girls and not following my heart.
I made an appointment with my eye-rolling daughter so we could sit down and have a very open heart-to-heart. I told her that she had never been a mother to a teenager before and that she didn’t really know what she was doing most of the time. I found that I was at least half the problem (correcting her, giving her homework when she walked in the room, sharing unsolicited advice) and that what she really needed from me was acceptance, information, and honest communication. I changed from mother to mentor that day and what a difference she has made.
To help with these moments of ‘open discussion’ it can be helpful to set up a Girls Club where no topic is off limits and no repercussions are experienced from what is shared. This gives her daughter the chance to check out what her friends are saying, gain access to her wealth of knowledge (without a lecture), and gives her the chance to discover that she really doesn’t know all the answers.
Sharing your experiences with your daughter does not ‘promote ideas’ or give her permission to make the same mistakes you did; it just opens the door for trust and openness between you.
2. Talk freely about negative stereotypes.
Openly discussing how women are portrayed in movies, magazines, billboards, etc., increases connection, self-awareness, and opens the door for great discussions.
One activity you can do with your daughter is to look at magazines and talk about who looks happy, who looks real, speculate on why she isn’t happy, etc. When my daughter and I had these conversations, they led to a discussion about her Bratz dolls, teen behaviors in shows, and of course, Barbie.
Dove provides some videos on how far the means will go: removing blemishes, changing hair, altering facial features, and even lengthening the neck, in an effort to create natural beauty! This leads women to strive for an unattainable version of beauty as if it were physically possible. Talking to her daughter about this can prevent eating disorders, self-esteem issues, and make her the go-to person for important information.
Another great topic to discuss is the Divine Feminine and how this beautiful energy, required by all of us to live a balanced life, has been downplayed and portrayed as weak and undesirable.
You can search for information on this topic together and enjoy the beautiful and positive impact it can have on both of your lives. Simply put, the Divine Feminine is what allows us to receive gracefully, connect with others, fully embrace pleasure, and care for others. It’s a huge topic and worth learning more about.
3. Focus on loving and accepting your daughter for who she is.
When you love someone unconditionally, you accept who they are even when they don’t behave exactly the way you would like them to. You won’t always agree with your daughter, and at times, you may not really like the way she is behaving. Being her father, it is always within her right to set limits and provide guidance. Only do this while continuing to accept and love your daughter for who she is.
Acknowledge your very real responses to your daughter as she progresses through different stages. When you don’t like the way she’s behaving, ask yourself: is it a safety issue or a moral threat? If so, then enforce her limits without attacking her as a person and stick with her decision. If not (which is often the case), allow her the space to be who she is, make her own mistakes, and live with the consequences.
You won’t always like or relate to the way he behaves or the decisions he makes, but you can allow him the space to fully live his experience without fear of rejection or ridicule from his strongest supporter.
Put your energy into focusing on what you have in common and enjoy those things together. Host a spa day, either at a spa or in your own home. Indulge in facial masks, hair treatments, body scrubs, pedicures, all of which can be done on a very limited budget. Go for a walk, play games, bake or cook a meal together. Find something that you are both willing to be involved in and make it happen.
Take advantage of this time to talk with your daughter about what’s going on in her world and share some of the stories you remember from that time in her life. This is not an interrogation or a conference, but an opportunity to really connect and build something special.
When you spend time with your daughter and keep communication open and flowing, you’ll find your relationship blossoming rather than drifting apart at a time when you really want your guidance to be effective.