Recently, I’ve started getting a lot of emails about in-laws (particularly mother-in-laws and sisters-in-law) that the writer perceives to be “trying to destroy my marriage” or “trying to drive a wedge between me and my spouse.” Often the writer (who is usually a woman) will tell me that the mother-in-law never liked her, never accepted her, and will never pass up an opportunity to cause trouble or to make the husband choose sides or cause any trouble. theme that will create tension and drama.
This is a very difficult situation. Her husband did not choose her parents and, like it or not, he has stayed with them. I mean, you can certainly divorce your spouse and not be legally bound to them anymore, but your immediate family (and especially the woman who gave birth to you) is yours forever. Add that to the fact that many mothers will cling to her adult children as if he is just as responsible to her as her own husband and there is definitely a recipe for conflict there. I will offer tips and advice on how to best handle this in the next article.
Always try to see things from your husband’s perspective: I know I ask a lot when I tell you this. It’s hard to put yourself in someone else’s shoes when he’s being attacked. However, it is very important to remember that her husband is the one caught in the middle. Her mother is likely to see any breakup on her part as a betrayal. That doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have a responsibility to you, she does, and I’ll talk about that later. But you also have to do your part. Before making any requests, think about how you would like him to react if the roles were reversed. What if it was your mother who was creating tension and drama with him? Wouldn’t you like me to try to get this out of the way instead of getting mad at you and demanding that you put her own mother in her place?
Understand what the mother-in-law is really trying to achieve (and not let her achieve it 🙂 If you’re correct in your assumptions that your mother-in-law wants to break up your marriage, then what better way to fight fire with fire than making sure she doesn’t get her wish? Don’t play directly into her hand. What she really doesn’t want is for you to go about your business completely happy and unaffected by her games. So this is just what you want to happen, of course. Your best defense against her is a happy husband who doesn’t realize all this drama. If he’s happy at home, then he’s not likely to listen to her criticism or even pay attention. This is your goal.
So, stay lighthearted when you throw down your quills. Act like you’re literally joking. You want to let her know that you really are laughing at her and that her attempts to hurt you are not only failing, but giving you something to have fun with. My aunt used to tell me to “kill with kindness.” This is great advice in this situation. The meaner she gets, the more you should smile. This will annoy her more than anything. If you get angry and have a negative reaction, then she won that hand. But if you smile and then dismiss her, this will make her very frustrated. And, if you keep up this game long enough, she might eventually stop playing.
Create a united front with commitment: So far, I’ve been asking you to give all the money, but it’s not too much to ask your husband to set some limits as well. This does not mean that you should ever ask her to separate from her mother. But, it is not unreasonable to ask you to set some limits. You too are a family now and you may want to spend a vacation alone or with your own family. You may not want to have to have Sunday dinner at her house every week. There is a happy medium in all these situations. It’s not fair to ask you to make drastic changes, but there’s nothing wrong with cutting back. This gives everyone at least some of what he wants.
Understand what your best possible scenario is. I bet you want your own family to be a priority and to be happy. And you probably want your husband to be happy without any unnecessary stress on you or your extended family. So always keep this in mind and control what you can. In truth, you cannot control how your mother-in-law or in-laws act or what they demand of them. But, what you can control is your reaction. You can control your own immediate family. Therefore, strive to keep him as happy as possible at home and limit his negative contact with the in-laws as much as possible by setting limits.
At the end of the day, you must remember that it is your job to safeguard your own happiness and well-being. Because the mental health and tranquility of the wife and mother affect everyone in the family. Don’t let her (or them) get to you and affect your happiness. Do they want to destroy your family? Well, give them just the opposite. Make sure they know that your family is so strong and deeply connected that they are just wasting their time. Respect that your husband cannot do anything or force his family to behave. You can’t control others. But, you can control yourself and your reactions to them. Always make sure these reactions are in the best interest of your own family, not theirs.