Now that Labor Day has come and gone, all the kids should be out of the house and back in school. But wait! What about your emerging adult son still living with you, his college degree carefully hidden? In the middle of a rerun of the big-screen comedy “Launch Fail” and not finding it all that funny? You’re not alone.
Millions of fledgling adults, often called “kids,” have graduated from college but are not living independently of their parents. According to the 2000 US Census, 25% of young adults between the ages of 18 and 34 still lived with their parents. Young people study longer or marry later, postponing adulthood until around 30 years of age. This is how this extended period of dependency can affect relationships.
Steve remembers how he longed for those empty nest days once his son had moved home from college. He pondered the irony. “The guidelines our son wanted to discuss were not the ones my wife and I had set. He told us not to tie up the computer or play with his dog. He also wanted us to leave the bathroom fan off when we showered.” , so that the noise would not wake him up. We barely had a chance to talk about what we wanted.”
It’s called triangulation, when your relationship as a couple has to adjust to your emerging adult child. What it often means is less privacy and spontaneity for you, and the need to establish new patterns of interaction and parenting.
As Beth realized: “We can’t treat her like a teenager, but we also don’t intend to lose sleep worrying about whether she’s okay. Unless we can agree on a reasonable curfew, this living arrangement just isn’t going to work.” function”. .”
Jill had been a single mother since her three children were teenagers. Once her last child went to college, she felt free to move in with her partner. “When my middle daughter lost her job and could no longer afford to live on her own, I didn’t have the heart to say no. But with the chaos that followed, I soon regretted my decision. Recognizing that my growing resentment was affecting everyone, I took a stand. We defined the rules of the house, divided the tasks and set a deadline for her to move. Now we try to openly air the problems and our feelings.”
Like Jill, you can take a stand. Here are some more ideas:
1. Establish areas of responsibility and appropriate limits. This can smooth out everyday life; it encourages a certain emotional detachment and the freedom to reclaim their own lives.
2. Insist that your children face their own challenges. Sometimes “tough love” is the most effective support parents can give. Jane’s thing was to come home after her divorce and she expected her mother to take care of her laundry, shopping and cleaning as her wife had done. She knew that he had to learn to take care of himself once again. “I insisted that we clarify some things and that he take responsibility for himself. We created a chart like the one kids had in elementary school. I haven’t backed down and we’re all still here to this day, trying to do our sticky situation work. “
3. Create a timeline for financial independence. Financial assistance comes at a price for everyone, with potential conflicts around issues of codependency, control, and unsolicited advice. Jack commented, “Our daughter wants to live rent-free, but she won’t listen to our advice on how to get back on her feet. Our plan is that she’ll be on her own in six months, and we’ll stick to that.”
4. Commit to a concrete plan to move the family toward common goals. This requires a willingness to work as a team, with frequent discussions and some compromise. When you set limits and deadlines, the result is less conflict. According to a 2006 Money/ICR poll, 60% of Americans believe college graduates should be allowed to come home, but only for a year, and 57% say parents should collect rent from them.
5. Find the right balance between offering support to your offspring and taking care of yourself. Sally and Garry enjoyed spending time together when the last of their children left home. These pleasures were short-lived. When her daughter separated from her and wanted to move back, they initially felt they couldn’t turn her down. It wasn’t long before their patience ran out and they knew they had no choice. “Our daughter became lazy. She wasn’t looking for a job and made little effort to help. Eventually we insisted she find other arrangements. We felt guilty and spent a lot of time discussing our decision. But we’ve waited forever for this period of our lives and we don’t plan on losing it.” “.
6. Let go. Once you’ve done all you can to prepare your boomerang kids to be on their own, let go of your resistance and take action. Launching them is an opportunity for all of you. Tap into your own passions and start imagining the adventures that await you.
© www.HerMentorCenter.com – 2006