1. Call your adult children by their first names, rather than childish nicknames. If you have teenagers, they may have already asked you to do this. Nicknames like “Suzie Q” are fine for young children, but as children get older, they feel more respected when they are called by their first name. In doing so, you are also reminding yourself to treat your children as young adults.
2. Discuss adult topics. As your children get older, don’t limit your conversation strictly to family topics or questions about your personal life. Engage them in discussions about current events and the like, just as you would with a friend. Take a minute to think of “adult” topics that you would like to talk about with them. Politics, events, sports, work issues (facts and events only, avoid complaining), political or local neighborhood issues are all suitable topics. Constant nagging and reminders are ineffective with young children and inappropriate with adult children. Of course, you need to set limits and make sure irresponsibility and bad behavior have consequences, but you don’t need to patronize your children. If he wants something from you, don’t answer unless he asks in a polite, adult way. Include them in your planning discussions and expect them to take appropriate responsibility for family matters.
3. Share with your children from parent to parent. If your children have children of their own, you have experience they can benefit from, but also be willing to learn from them. If they are reading books or taking parenting courses, discuss the information as you would with another parent their own age. If they raise their children differently than you did, don’t take it as a personal affront and don’t interfere unless asked.
4. Don’t react if your older child does or says something upsetting. Ignore him and change the subject. Treat your adult children as courteously as you would the adult children of a friend. If they are doing something to annoy you and you don’t react, they will stop. After all, if you were with a friend’s family and someone did something strange, you would just ignore it and not get involved in family disputes. You would only be polite and nice, for the sake of your friend.
5. Ask your children for opinions and advice. Even in early childhood, children can be encouraged to develop their own opinions about the events and decisions they face as a family; as they get older, you can ask them for ideas on what to do. When your children are adults, you can request advice on labor issues, investments or other concerns. Sharing tips as friends and equals will create the friendly connection you want.
6. Pay attention to the balance of your interaction. As a parent, the role of nurturer and caretaker is familiar, and perhaps comfortable, for both you and your children. But you don’t want to foster that relationship when your kids get older. Don’t let your part of the relationship slide into full giving (or receiving). Remember, the goal is to create a friendship with your children. If your children always seem willing to take from you, make some suggestions of what they can do in return.
© 2020 Tina B. Tessina from The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty: Reimagining the Rest of Your Life
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